Living a Dream

As the sun rose over Pensacola Beach today, Monica and I went our separate ways surveying the north and south shores, on the next leg of the Plover Olympics. For five hours, I scoured the beaches alone, searching for plovers and chicks and nests, GPSing each and reflecting on the recent past. It was a good morning, and it's been a great growing season for me personally. I finally did the one thing I could never do before: I accepted myself for EXACTLY who I am.

It struck me today that I was happy again -- more than happy. I'm working a job I'm passionate about. I have a new friend in Delaware that I deeply care for and hope will be in my life for a very long time, though I'm not sure yet in what capacity. Mostly though, I have learned to value myself for the vibrant, intelligent, compassionate, flawed and extraordinary woman that I am. No more worrying about family expectations or societal norms or falling short or not being able to change the past. I embrace my flaws for the strong woman they make me today. I finally got that I am fine, just the way I am. It's enough to be a sea turtle biologist who's a bit flighty, unconventional, and happy.


I have spent most of my life trying to meet others expectations. I've formulated life plans around them, giving little thought to what I wanted and what I enjoyed. Obviously, there are things we all must do, but there are also choices we make. I'm making a choice to finally honor.... myself.

Every time I go home, it is with the best of intentions. I plan to help Mom, to get a normal job, to make money and build for retirement and be unhappy and responsible and grown up. I fade, and soon become a shadow of myself. My joy seeps out, and I become like a wounded bird in a black and white silent film -- broken, lifeless, celluloid. My spirit dies. It's not because of anyone or anything -- there is no blame here, no fingerpointing, no 'you do this to me'. It's within me -- I am not honoring my calling and my mind and spirit wither in its absence.

Here, on Pensacola Beach this morning, I finally got it. This IS my life. MY life -- not someone elses. It's the real deal and it's all I get. I can choose to be with Mom and be miserable and have an unhappy life, not really helping anyone or anything, or I can honor that wise voice within me that calls me to something greater than I am now. That inner voice challenges me to reach beyond my current limits, beyond my fears, beyond today. It asks me to abandon contentment and complacency to push the envelope, to reach for my dreams, to live as if my life had purpose and meaning beyond paying the bills and weeding the garden and putting gas in the car. (BTW -- I am planting a garden here... first time in years!)

So today, I embraced me, flaws, past, insecurities, fears and all. I finally learned to love myself. To forgive the past, celebrate the present, plan for the future I envision. There's so much I've learned, but I have so much farther to go... Sorry for the self-indulgent blog, but this is pretty important to me. For those who are interested, this is who I am:

I am a sea turtle girl. My passion in life is to protect these animals and their habitats which, in turn, protects all life as we know it. We rely on the same resources -- the sun to heat the earth, the rain for fresh water, the ocean to evaporate and create rain, the seasons, the seas, the coral reefs and rain forests, the beaches and rivers and streams -- we are all truly interconnected.

I can be a serious girl. I can study, learn and grow.

More often, I am a silly girl.

I carry bubbles in my car.

I chase butterflies.

I believe there is a pot of gold at the rainbow's end.

I believe I can see myself reflected in the eyes of everyone I meet -- that there truly is no 'other' -- we're all too connected by similarities to be divided by any detail.

I believe there is goodness and light in everyone. Yes, EVERYONE.

I wish on falling stars and dropped eyelashes.

I believe it IS possible to have peace in our time.

I am happily naive... and will continue to be so.

I read children's books.

I make sand angels at work some days (we don't have snow here, so it has to do...)

I find faeries, butterflies and birds in a cloud-ridden sky.

I wish to be a dolphin while watching a pod frolic in the waves.

I throw my arms back on a warm afternoon and try to embrace the sunshine.

I have been known to actually hug a tree. Really.

I build sand castles.

I twirl on a lonely beach when my favorite song comes on my ipod.

I twirl on a polished oak floor just because I can.

I'll skate on that same floor in socks. No one ever sees me do these things...

I giggle when watching plover chicks somersault after tripping on their newly hatched feet.

I drink hot chocolate with mini-marshmallows and eat popcorn at the movies.

I love my friends and family fiercely, no matter what. They may not always know that, or see it evident in my words and actions.

I am lonely in a crowded room, and crowded alone with my own thoughts.

I am loyal, kind, independent, compassionate, eccentric, intelligent and very often, scared.

I love and trust too easily and hurt far too deeply.

I love sunrise, a cup of chamomile tea (it's sunshine and honey in a mug!), fresh cilantro, music, and my nephews.

The sounds of shushing waves, the wind scratching the palms and a chuck-will-widow calling let me know I am home.

My greatest joy comes from sharing the things I love most with someone else. There's nothing quite like introducing someone to their first sea turtle hatchlings, their first ocean, their first coral reef. The gift really is more mine than theirs, and I am ever grateful.

I know I have found my place in this world -- I am a voice for the wordless sea. I am a champion of the under water world. I am a siren on an earth island, singing my song of the deep blue beyond.

I am inspired by light, laughter, small children, old people, turtles, the sea, spring, good books, fresh mint, friendship, starlight, kindness, love and life.

I marvel at dew drops on flowers and the quick smile of a stranger.

I don't just take the road not taken, I don't even carry a map. My path is uncharted and no one has walked it before me.

I am bare foot and sure sighted in a confusing world.

I may not always know where I'm going, or how to get there, but I do believe I'll find the way.

I am happy.

I am joyous.

I am free.

I am living proof that dreams do come true. And when they materialize for you, just make a few new ones -- there is no limit to what we can imagine, or what we can do in this life if we believe, and back that belief with solid intent and action.

Here's to the dreamer in all of us, and to realized dreams :)